In this article I explore why mummy and baby care is important and the barriers currently in place to achieving this.
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What is mummy and baby care?
My definition
If the mother is well looked after, the baby will be. If the baby is happy, the mother is happy. There is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain or not thriving. But how do you cope with this when you’re not at your best self either.
In this article I aim to explore this topic.
Whilst mother and baby care sounds amazing, I just don’t think it happens currently.
To me, caring for both mother and baby means separate care for both parties and caring for one another. When you Google the term, you are met with several results which talk all about “massage” and “wellness” for the expectant mother.
I also believe it means a wider family group caring for both parties. In the lead-up to pregnancy, people often offer to pay for massages for the mother, anything which will help with the physical burden of carrying an almost full-sized baby.
How many birth announcements say “mother and baby doing well”? There is no avoiding the fact that following birth, it’s usually a birthing partner or another person who has to take control of things. I was certainly not my best self following the birth of my little one, and we need to acknowledge this is completely normal. Mothers should feel like they can rest and recover, without feeling guilty.
I am on a mission to talk about the reality of birth. And unfortunately, mummy care wasn’t something I experienced in the hospital. The other mothers on the ward didn’t appear to either. It was my hubby who took control during my time on the maternity ward and I felt truly cared for when I returned home. I felt safe. I was back in my environment. I can understand why expectant mothers opt for home births. But then this raises the issue of what happens when there are complications. For me, a home birth wouldn’t have worked, because I had to be rushed into an emergency c section.
Based on my own experience, you don’t need to give birth to a baby in order to form a bond. However, if you were the one who gave birth, the physical and emotional demands can be heavy.
Is there an equal balance between mummy and baby care?
Is there a balance between care for the mother and care for the baby?
Going through the pregnancy and birth stages, in my opinion, no there isn’t. The responsibility is placed on the mother, to care for and feed for the baby. This is due to physical demands and also the fact the mother is, unavoidably the nurturer.
That said, I do think a birthing partner can have a huge impact on those early stages. In my earlier blog posts, I talk about the fact I was unable to go see our little one and it was my hubby who visited her in the baby unit. They now have a strong bond because of those early days. He looked after us both at the time. Based on my own experience, you don’t need to give birth to a baby to form a bond. However, if you were the one who gave birth, the physical and emotional demands can be heavy.
All things considered, I don’t think there is much room for mummy care in the early days. However, I was lucky to receive some form of rest when I returned home because my hubby ended up with a month off work. Paternity and annual leave fell at exactly the right time!
But what about the women who don’t have this level of support?
During my breakdown, I sometimes felt like asking the doctor whether I should break my leg because then I wouldn’t be accused of being dishonest to stay off work. It’s just not good enough.
The reality for the mother
Physical changes
I struggled during my pregnancy, due to sickness, working full time, and severe hip pain. I also nearly fainted every day in the office at work, because I run hot anyway. It was a pretty grim time and I discuss it here.
Honestly, I can’t remember a single day during the pregnancy phase where I felt happy. I felt worn down and depressed for most of my pregnancy. I have never felt tiredness like it in my life.
Hormonal changes
I’m now surprised to read the science says hormonal changes remain for up to a year after pregnancy. This means the timescale for ‘giving your body over’ to create life is more like two years at least. The no alcohol, better diet, creation stage, the actual pregnancy. Dealing with irrational thoughts for at least a year!
It may sound cliche or you may think I’ve truly gone mad, but it is all worth it. This is not to say you come away unscathed though.
You can never be the same person again. In some respects I’m glad, in others I would change it if I could. I would change the niggling hip and back pain I still get after an epidural. By the way, no health professional wants to acknowledge it’s even a thing. I got told “all effects will be over in six weeks” and I think it’s a BS reply. But this rant is for another day, another post.
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Huge shift in lifestyle
I went from working full time, being a career woman, the highest earner in the house, to a stay-at-home mum on maternity leave. The change for me couldn’t have been more drastic. This gigantic shift in routine alone would cause potential mental health problems for the average person. Add this to the other burdens a new mother faces and you can see why it’s tough. And why new mothers are more likely to develop mental health issues.
Being responsible for a helpless tiny human being is a lot for one person to take on. I discuss in this post how I felt like I would drop our little one on the floor and was scared to allow germs into the house.
Why does mother and baby care matter?
Let’s revisit my definition – If the mother is well looked after, the baby will be. If the baby is happy, the mother is happy. There is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain or not thriving. But how do you cope with this when you’re not at your best self either.
I’ve been less than my best self on many occasions throughout the process of pregnancy and motherhood. I want to send a message out to all parents. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s normal and mothers do an amazing job each day, under sometimes impossible conditions.
Caring for the new mother matters just as much as caring for a baby. However, in reality, most families don’t have the time or means to satisfy both. We plodded along. Thankfully I have great parents who help us out. It’s only now, we are at the toddler stage, that things are getting a bit easier in terms of independent play and us as adults having time to spend together and do normal things again.
Because of the impact, the first pregnancy had on me, and therefore us as a family. Naturally, I am reluctant to go through that process again. My hubby asked me the other day whether I would be less reluctant to have another baby if money wasn’t a factor and I said I didn’t know. My decision is unfortunately warped by the negative experiences I had the first time around.
What information is out there on the subject?
When researching this post, I was unsurprised to find pages and pages of Google information which focused solely on the physical changes a mother goes through. What I want to see is a useful article talking about emotional and mental stressors and how to handle this. Thank you to Tommy’s for including a section related to mental health.
I mean, a doctor wouldn’t review your broken leg without asking whether you need pain medication, time off work, and emotional support. With a side note to check your mental health is not suffering, due to the pain. Why then, aren’t we offering the same to women with serious mental health conditions as a result of pregnancy? During my breakdown, I sometimes felt like asking the doctor whether I should break my leg because then I wouldn’t be accused of being dishonest to stay off work. It’s just not good enough.
Striking a balance during difficult financial circumstances
Fast forward to the inevitable financial impact pregnancy and the birthing stage has on a mother. In the UK we have a maternity and childcare system that is very much geared towards the mother taking care of the child. For this to change, government policies would need to change, and I hope this happens.
At the time of writing this article, the government has announced a support package for young families and I am pleased to say it includes an allocation of money dedicated to mental health services. But I agree with the recent criticism that more needs to be done.
The downside to the UK childcare system
In the UK, you can claim statutory maternity pay for up to nine months. To add some context here, months 5-9 for me were paid at a third of my usual income. The nursery wanted a full payment as a deposit upfront. Therefore we had to meet this whilst I was on maternity leave. We still had the same bills to pay, with a drastic loss of income.
A day at any nursery costs between £40.00 and £55.00 in the UK. Unless you have an amazing, top-level job, putting a child into nursery full time and working comes down to a debate about money and whether it is worth it. Many women in the UK have to face this reality each day.
A possible solution?
I’ve just watched this TED Talk and honestly, I think what is proposed is a great solution to the childcare problem. It’s clear lack of affordable childcare isn’t just an issue that impacts the UK.
How in 2021 are we still not giving babies the best possible start in life?
Lack of childcare or the heavy price tag is yet another factor adding to the existing burden of having a new baby. Add this to the mental impact, physical constraints, and hormones. I mean, it would be easier to ask what a mother doesn’t have to worry about.
The upside to the UK childcare system
We do receive 15-30 hours’ worth of free childcare when a child reaches three years old. How many hours you get within the bracket depends on whether you need term time care only. For example, if you are a teacher and have all the school holidays off work to care for your child, you wouldn’t need to put them in the nursery during those periods. Therefore, you would get 30 hours for the remaining weeks of the year. Unless one of us decides to apply for a job in a school, we will receive 15 hours per week.
It’s no secret we have struggled financially waiting to reach this marker. Whilst it’s not as simple as making demands on a government, I do think this age needs to be lowered to two years old. If the aim is to encourage more women in the UK to seek out high positions in their workplace and carve out a career path, which isn’t interrupted by pregnancy and the aftermath of birth.
In the UK we also have a shared parental leave scheme. I don’t think the scheme is advertised enough. And there is widespread criticism of the scheme. Many groups would like a revised scheme. My hubby and I would use the scheme if we have a second child. However, I know that little about it, I don’t even know if our employers would say yes. The government needs to create a revised plan where parents feel empowered to make that choice, and know exactly what steps to take to make it happen. How wonderful it could be, that parents get to spend an equal amount of time with a new baby.
When bringing a second child into the world, I also hope it doesn’t come down to a choice between one of us working or not working. We both want our independence, to earn money, to give our child the benefit of development in a nursery setting. We also want to spend time together as a family. Currently, in the UK, it’s pretty impossible to achieve this.
Changes in society
Surely dads, partners, other parties caring for the child want to participate in the early stages of the baby’s life. Let’s all open our minds to the fact any loving parents can care for a child, it doesn’t just have to be the mother. What I’m saying here is a societal change in mindset must happen to make every scenario acceptable when thinking about who can care for a child.
My hubby talks about getting funny looks when he went to Mothercare alone to buy some clothes when our little one was in the baby unit. I couldn’t go because I was unable to walk at the time, following my c section. He was also the only male to join our nursery Facebook group.
I do think this stigma is still prevalent and it makes me sad. My hubby wants to care for our little girl just as much as I do and we are struggling to try and make this happen. I must acknowledge, I love to see the dad bloggers on Twitter talking from their perspective. It makes me happy, we are starting to see a balance. Good on you Dads!
Let’s give some shout-outs to ALL parental figures in society
It takes a village – this is so true!
But I also want to shout out the dads, extended family members, grandparents who take control of the care for their grandchildren. Same-sex couples, adoptive parents, single parents (and any other category I’ve missed). I want society to adjust their expectations and have an open mind when it comes to the fact that ANYONE is capable of being an amazing parent. It doesn’t come down to biology.
As a society, we need to ditch the idea one person is solely responsible for the care of a child. The burden should be shared where possible. Speaking from experience, feeling supported is key when you are a new parent. Had I felt like this in hospital, my experience would have been different. And maybe my mental health wouldn’t have suffered so severely. We will never know!
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How you can achieve your own mummy baby care balance?
As I don’t want to overload you with my rants, and because there is hope. I want to outline ways you can achieve both mummy and baby care. Even during busy and difficult times. Check out these life hacks for busy mums.
You don’t have to rely on a doctor or maternity services to get the outcome you need (although they should be fit for purpose). These are the techniques, tips, routines we have used:
Naps
Naps are essential when you are a new parent. You face a whole new level of tiredness. You didn’t realise anyone could survive on four hours of sleep. But you muddle through.
Everyone deserves a break. Enlist help from those around you, if you can. And never feel guilty about taking a nap. You need to recharge your batteries, so you can face the next challenge.
Rest
If all you’re able to do is sit on the sofa with the baby, or nap when the baby naps. Take this time and don’t feel bad about it.
I kept my mind active by playing on my phone whilst our little one slept on me. I would sit on the sofa, get comfortable and relax, but not sleep until she was fully settled.
Time away from the baby
If you can, accept help from other people.
When our little one was three months old, we stayed overnight at Village Hotels. Although I missed her like crazy, it was a lovely break away and we both needed it.
If you went through any other traumatic experience in life, you would give yourself a break. Going through pregnancy and birth can be one of the most traumatic experiences a person will ever go through and we need to acknowledge this.
Nursery
Attend a baby group, or enlist the help of the nursery to give yourself a break.
Naturally, I was reluctant to hand our little pumpkin over to a nursery at nine months old. However, it was the best thing for her. She loves it and has developed so much. I think it’s good for a little one to have some time away from their parents. It’s her own little thing that she does and we ask her about her day when she comes home.
Because we have strong feelings about the benefits of the nursery, we would want a second child to attend. I hope by the time we are in a position to make the decision, childcare benefits have improved. When bringing a second child into the world, I also hope it doesn’t come down to a choice between one of us working or not working. We both want our independence, to earn money, to give our child the benefit of development in a nursery setting. We also want to spend time together as a family. Currently, in the UK, it’s pretty impossible to achieve this.
Classes for parent and baby
In the early days, I was reluctant to attend these types of groups. Then I found Little Learners. My little one could barely sit up, but she loved feeling different textures and playing. Even being around other children and getting used to the noise level she would experience at the nursery was great for her. The class was held at a community centre and I was able to have some lunch and a coffee. It honestly transformed my life and got us both out of the house. Occasionally my hubby and mum would attend and it was a great morning out. I will always look back fondly at the memories made in those classes.
Time as a couple
Thankfully, my parents have always taken our little one over the weekend, for a day, and it helps me get on with the cleaning. I now blog and sometimes we get time together as a couple. It might be 20 minutes of uninterrupted chatter, but when you have an attention-grabbing toddler around, that 20 minutes is golden.
Every few months we also have a night to ourselves and we are so thankful for it.
Home spa
As I can’t afford the spa days I booked pre-baby, a home spa is a perfect solution. When I haven’t had enough sleep, I find a nice hot bath, and a face mask gives me a little, much-needed refresh. We also have a foot spa and I occasionally use it.
Even if all you can fit in is a five-minute face and hair mask, take this time. Do it whilst you are comforting the baby and look after yourself as well.
You can find some amazing home spa products below, along with a great points system if you sign up:
Final thoughts
I hope you enjoyed reading this article.
Please let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
Fancy some much needed child-free time? Book yourself a night at Village Hotels…
This is a really helpful post for all parents out there. Thank you for sharing your suggestions and experience.
Lauren
thank you – I hope it helps other parents out there!
Great Article! You know, it’s so easy for mommies to go unnoticed but it is crucial that mothers take the time out to actually care for themselves. When I had my youngest I did not take care of myself at all. I was so focused on the baby. When it wasn’t baby, it was work or the house or my eldest. Know what that lead to? And extremely tired and burnt-out mommy who was cranky and snappy all the time because she desperately needed some R&R. I hope every mom who reads this find the value in it because there is a lot! Thanks for sharing
I totally agree and I want other mums to see this and feel like they can take time away. Thank you for your comment
We all need to adjust to big changes when a baby comes in tot the family. These tips are really helpful. Thank you for shaaring
I totally agree. Big changes happen and it can be overwhelming.
Thank you for sharing this article. I’m not a parent, but it was still a very informative read! I’ll definitely be sharing this.
I am glad you find it informative and thank you for sharing 🙂
Thanks for the helpful post. So many great thoughts in here!
Thank you.
I love your definition and its very true, happy mother, happy baby. I haven’t got children yet but plan on starting in the next couple of years and I worry so much about how I will cope looking after baby never mind looking after myself with mutliple conditions. Its a little more reassuring reading others experiences and advice. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your comment.
I think it’s natural to worry, but you do the best you can. And eventually, as she’s got older I’ve found more time to look after myself.
I wish you all the best for your future baby plans.
I don’t have a baby and don’t plan on having one any time soon but I think the idea of taking care of the mum and the baby separately. I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing on my side but as soon as the baby is born, the mom is expected to just take care of everything and the baby with very little help. Moms usually aren’t given the TLC they need and are expected to just snap back and be the best moms. But things like Post Partum depression ARENT spoken about and even simple things like giving the new mom time to nap, do things for themselves as their body has gone through a huge trauma essentially.
I agree with you. So much more has to change with how we view and mom and baby care, especially how moms are treated post baby !
Such an interesting comment, because it’s great to see another perspective.
I think it depends on several factors, such as cultural beliefs and your circumstances, as to how much ‘me time’ you can have.
Something has to change and I am glad my thoughts are now out there on the subject.
I’m not a parent so I can’t speak to what that is like — although your candid explanations here definitely provide some great information which I will share with those in my life who are having/do have children. Thanks for being so open.
Thank you. I am glad you find the post useful.
It’s so hard! I found pregnancy, birth and having a newborn so difficult. It was hard to get any rest and when I was in the hospital I was left to look after a baby when I was in a lot of pain from my traumatic birth! Mums really need looking after more and I also think there’s room for improving how dads are taken care of as they’re often overlooked.
Corinne x
I totally agree with this. In my situation, it was all on my partner to look after us both which impacted his mental health.
I don’t know what the solution is, but I think care could be improved.
Sorry to hear about your birth experience.
Great read, as a pregnant person this is something I ponder a lot. Will I be able to do everything and juggle it all while also doing the most important job in the world!? Love to read perspectives like yours!
Rosie
I am glad you found it useful.
You will be fine. You just get on with it, but not looking after yourself can take its toll. It’s hard to balance sometimes.
Parents deserve an award!
You always hear the phrase “happy mum, happy baby”, which I think is definitely true. Self care is a big part of my life so I know when I have kids this will be an area Ill have to work on a lot. This is a really helpful post for when the time comes x
I am happy you found the post helpful.
Self-care is needed when you have a child. Time apart or moments to yourself are not a bad thing at all, but mum-guilt definitely plays a part.
If you’re the highest earner in the family, how come your partner didn’t become the stay at home parent so you’d have more money for childcare? I’d happily be a stay at home dad to let me partner keep their career
We did explore all options and we would absolutely love to do shared maternity leave if we had a second child. We have also talked about one of us quitting work, but to pay all our bills and nursery fees, we both need to be working.
It’s a difficult one and I don’t think it’s easy to manage any of the options available in the UK currently. I think there needs to be more help for young families.